Fat Tuesday!

People ask me all the time where my motivation comes from. Truth is, I've never really thought about it..I usually just say I want to be there for my family, to be a good example for my kids...which are all good things and good motivators but lately I have been thinking about this motivation question a lot.

Where does my motivation come from?

To figure that out, I feel I have to go back a few years....back to when my husband and I first started dating. We had only been dating about a year when tragedy struck my family....my grandfather had a massive heart attack and although he held on for a while, he passed away about a month later. It was hard for all of us...He was the rock of my family and my grandmother was devastated. We all rallied around her and as the years went on, I became very close to my grandmother. She has watched me get married and start my family and very quickly became the person I wanted to impress the most. I wanted to show her how great of a wife I could be....how great of a mother I could be....just like her. She was a mother of 6 children, 10 grandchildren and 8 great-grandchildren. (yeah, we're a freakin huge family) She was so patient, so kind, so beautiful and the best woman I have ever known.

 

Girls Night Out Jan. 2010

Then another tragedy struck and it was doubly (is that a word?) hard for me....February 2010, just after celebrating my daughters 1st birthday, I got a call that my mom had a heart attack....it was shocking and unexpected....I cried for days, worrying the same thing would happen to her that happened to my grandfather. Thankfully she pulled through and was released but just 2 days later, February 15th, my grandmother was found at home, "asleep" in her bed (a heart attack). I was devastated and that's an understatement. Even writing this now, it brings tears to my eyes. My husband who was working that day, rushed home to find me in our backyard just sobbing....it was really hard on everyone but I just couldn't take. I thought about all the things she wouldn't be here for. The wonderful person my kids would never get to know....it's hard to think about, even now. To help me through the pain, I had to come up with another way to keep her present in my life and the way I did that was to do all the things I thought would make her proud....

So that's sorta where it began....we went on to have our 3rd child in October 2011 and from then on I was set on getting myself into shape. She loved me no matter what size, but had always expressed that she wanted me to lose weight...so I went full force, even planning what I would do during my pregnancy. Even my fit friends, who saw me working out before, saw how much my head my in the game this time...so was my heart. My extended family struggles with weight and heart issues and I will not let that be me. I won't do that to my husband or my children....because I know that feeling of hurt, it sucks...

This year was 3 years since her passing and she is definitely not out of hearts in this household. Both my daughters,  even though one of them was only 1 when she died, know who she is and see her face everyday. They know how wonderful and beautiful she was and they know she is watching over us. When I'm having a bad day or the journey just doesn't seem to be going well, I think of her and what she would say to me if she could see me now, I think she would be proud of how far I have come.

73lbs down & 35+ inches gone!

I am in the best shape I have ever been and I know she would be damn proud! And so should I, so should all of us. 

Find something that motivates you, whether it be a person or an activity or even a prize at the end of it all....

Even though she isn't here, I see her when I look in the mirror, I see her in the faces of my children, I feel her inside of me...pushing me to do better even though there have been times I wanted to give up.

I won't give up because I know she's watching...I will continue on because I know my family is behind me...and I will hit my goal because I Can.

4/30/2013: 182lbs