Finding my inner strength

I'm an "Instant Gratification" kinda gal. I think most of us are honestly. And that's okay but for me, it can put me in a bad mood.....

I started a new workout regimen July 7th which basically added more weight training and less cardio. I haven't done as much weights as I had planned too but at least I've been trying. I have lessened the cardio but I think because I've done less cardio and haven't increased the weights as much as I had hoped, I'm not seeing the results that I wanted to. It's my fault....I'm not doing what I should in the exercise department & although I'm following my macros, I just started that so it's not a reliable source yet. When I hop on the scale and it doesn't say what I want it to, it frustrates me! It makes me not want to workout, and eat a shit ton of bad things.....and then the thing with all that is, one day turns into two and then four and then it's been a week and I'm up 10lbs. This vicious cycle is what I feel like I've been in for the last year almost. When I stumble upon photos of me from this time last year, I get so depressed.

This photo is from exactly 1yr ago and I feel like I can't find this strength I used to have. I think this sort of lifestyle takes a long time to get used to. I didn't grow up fit & healthy....I lived my life eating and doing whatever I wanted and most of that "doing" did not include working out. So to look at my life now, it's a far cry from what I used to do but I get so tired of it....like why aren't I skinny already? It's just so frustrating! Which then starts my vicious cycle again....

So here I am....still fat & making a lot of excuses and expecting results that I mean, obviously aren't going to happen if I don't find that thing inside of me that makes me work harder, eat better....that inner strength. Something I know I have and I feel very slightly every so often.....that gives me hope that it's still there but I just need to dig a little harder to find it. It's probably going to take a hell of a lot more work as well but I can't go back to the old me.....and although I've gained some weight back, I'm still smaller than I was before and I have 3 little motivators to do better :)

These kiddos are my world, and I would do anything for them....and that means getting healthy so I can spend as much time as I can with them. 

Finding my inner strength is going to be tough, but I know it's in there. I can hear my grandmothers familiar voice telling me I can. I just gotta keep moving forward and try not to think about being skinny now & start thinking about being healthy for life..and finding my strength within.