Finding myself

It's been 4 months since my last blog post.....and even longer since I felt like myself. I haven't stayed consistent with anything I've done this last year or so. I haven't workout on a regular basis or eaten healthy. I'm not tracking calories or meals. It's been nice to not worry about any of this, to not concentrate on a diet for once in my life. So your probably thinking.....what's the problem? Well, I've gained almost 50lbs. I'm not happy. I don't feel good. I'm not myself. The me who loved how I looked & felt. The me who was at the gym everyday. The me who ate healthy & shared my journey with all of you. I'm not that girl anymore.

When I first started all of this, I thought I was doing this for me. But thinking about it here for a while, I finally know it wasn't.  It was for everyone who thought I couldn't, for people who had doubts, concerns.....for people who I wanted to make proud. For everyone....but myself. And because of that, I've gained the weight back. I feel ashamed and saddened that I've gained that much weight . I don't want to admit it to myself let alone to any of you.

I have failed....miserably.

Looking back though, I'm glad I figured this out now. I haven't gained all the weight back. I'm not at square one, however I have learned through therapy and self discovery that this time it has to be for myself if I'm gonna keep the weight off. So I've spent the last few months finding myself. Finding that want within me to make the change. Not caring what others think or say. Not needing anyone's approval but my own. I still struggle with putting my needs first, and as a mom, I think I always will but I now know what kind of woman I want to be. What people I want to surround myself with & what my goal is. For myself and only me. I truly believe in my heart that's what I must do if I'm to be successful in the long term. So for what seems like the millionth time, I started again. today.

Finding myself has been a tough journey thus far. But going down this road has helped improve so many other parts of my life that I've been sort of neglecting, for years....including friendships & my marriage. I want to be healthy....all around....mind, body & soul. 

And that starts now.